Pleaser looking to please

Added: Ambre Keech - Date: 22.09.2021 18:25 - Views: 33896 - Clicks: 6394

Posted by on in Blog 66 comments. But, it is a very common problem. So you might be wondering: why is codependency so common? What makes a people-pleaser? Fear of rejection or abandonment drives pretty much everything a people-pleaser does. You can about the big costs of people-pleasing here. Taking the temperature of a room ie, tuning into how a situation feels. Blending or editing themselves to fit in with the group. People-pleasing is a strategy for coping with a lack of security in a relationship.

While we often focus on the negatives that come with this relational stance, it actually has a lot of strengths in it, too.

Pleaser looking to please

But what makes a people-pleaser? Why do they do what they do? People-pleasers start off as parent pleasers. People-pleasing behaviors evolve as a way to maintain connection and closeness with parents who are inconsistently available to their children. A lack of parental attunement is a big part of what causes people pleasing.

Many times, parents of people-pleasers are too worried about their own troubles to tune in to what their children are feeling and thinking. People-pleasing parents are often in a state of emotional overwhelm, leading their children to treat them carefully, as if they were fragile.

Pleaser looking to please

Sometimes these people-pleaser children act more like the adult in the relationship, and take on a caregiving role towards their own parents. These are a few examples of what causes people pleasing.

Pleaser looking to please

In the end, the parent struggles to be emotionally connected and available to their child in a consistent way. The child picks up on this and moves to protect their parent and their feelings so the child can remain connected. Further complicating the picture? These same parents can also be warm and loving. This is part of what confuses people-pleasers — they have memories of warmth and connection with their parents, so how could the relationship with this selfsame parent also be what causes people pleasing?

Pleaser looking to please

Whether it is due to personal illness, addiction, the impact of their own upbringing or mental health, or just bad life circumstances, parents of people-pleasers are often preoccupied with their own lives. They get tangled up with memories of their past and often worry about the future.

This style of relating to themselves and the world often gets passed onto their children, who then become worried and preoccupied, too. Over time, the people-pleasing child learns that her parents are unreliable. She will be tracking their moods and checking in frequently, striving to make parents proud, muffling her own needs, doing her best to be very, very good and not rock the boat.

Usually these children feel a deep sense of shame about this collapse and they go back into careful hiding, trying to be good. And the cycle repeats. In some cases, children can adapt very differently. They may act out and rebel against their parents. It depends on the child and the circumstances. Parental emotional inconsistency is what causes people pleasing.

And she becomes high achieving, perfectionistic. She becomes less interested in exploring who she is and more interested in learning about what others want her to be. Because transforming herself—being nice—will be a way she can finally secure love for good. Or so she thinks. This is what makes a people-pleaser.

Pleaser looking to please

And she will carry this set of standards into her adult relationships, seeking to please others and keep them happy, so that she can be happy, too. If you recognize yourself or your childhood in this post, take heart.

Pleaser looking to please

Knowing what makes a people-pleaser is the first step to making changes in your life. Although childhood experiences may lay important framework for our adult lives, there is still much we can do to gently change how we relate to ourselves and to others.

Does this all sound familiar? Would you like to learn more about people pleasing and how to make lasting changes in a gentle way? My practice is at capacity and has been for some time. Many of you live in other states or countries. Even if I had a spot open in my practice, licensing restrictions would prevent me from seeing you.

I get inquiries about suggestions for books on people pleasing every week.

Pleaser looking to please

I figure if this post resonates with you, I can whip something up that goes into more depth and can offer some support. My hope is this book will be a candle in the dark for you. up below to stay in touch about the project, and thanks for reading.

Helping people-pleasers is what I do! I am happy to help you with some referrals. Hi, Emerald. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts! This is so me!!!! My mother had me when she was 19 and my biological father was the same age was a drunk. We were very poor and moved a lot. I remember feeling like the new kid a lot. When I was very young, 6 or 7 my mother left him. I never saw him again. He let my step dad adopt me when I was about My step dad suffered from mental health issues.

In jr high and high school I was often embarrassed by my step father. I am 53 now and I am such a people pleaser, I hate it! I know that at times I am being taken advantage of, especially at work. I have recognized this about me for a very very long time and was foolish to think somehow I would be recognized, rewarded or even thanked for always going above and beyond.

Now that I am older I have realized it gets me nowhere! It gets me more work than others! I feel like this article was written about me! Do you have any other books or articles I could read? In the meantime, I suggest folks read the book Anxious to Please by Craig English and James Rapson to get an attachment-informed look at people pleasing works and to begin the process of relating to yourself and others in a new way. I have been preoccupied in developing my career so I can support our family.

This started early. I need references, sources, any books that you can share that can help my daughter as well as our family learn about the process that we have lived. It is generational. Hi Sandra. Thank you for taking the time to write! I want you to know that there are many social pressures that also teach children how to be pleasing— it is not just something that is learned in families growing up.

Pleaser looking to please

email: [email protected] - phone:(534) 231-7550 x 5276

What Is a People Pleaser?